Week 31: doubt

[notmonica]

When in panic, or in doubt/run in circles, scream and shout!

Parker didn't panic. The crawling, jittery sensation that sometimes curled up and down her spine when she realized, again, the impossibility of the task her father had given her -- red file or not, Parker wasn't a Pretender, she'd never be anything but just a little bit special, and she wasn't sure who she sometimes hated for that -- wasn't panic. It was just anger, and Parker's perfectly-kept nails curled into her palms until she could convince herself of that and get back to work, getting herself out of whatever mess Jarod had decided she needed to learn a lesson from *this* week.

Parker didn't panic. The sour taste on the back of her tongue when Lyle smiled at her, slow and friendly, (you're beautiful when you're angry, and they both knew that was what she was remembering) was scorn and contempt and dislike. It wasn't fear, and it wasn't anything like recognition. He might have her blood; he wasn't her brother. (If family didn't mean blood, she never let herself wonder, what did it mean?)

Parker didn't panic. The heavy weight in her stomach when her father frowned at her was anger and disappointment, in him or in herself, she didn't let herself think about it, but it wasn't ever worry over what would happen if the Triumvirate ever really decided she was getting to the point when someone else would do her job better. Or over what would happen next time her father decided she was the right bone to throw to the wolves. She hadn't panicked at the T-board, either, and she knew if she ever spotted Sydney again from wherever he'd run to, he'd tell her she should do a better job of lying.

Parker didn't panic. She didn't doubt. She knew her job and her name and who she was; she didn't need to know anything else.

She really did need to do a better job of lying. These days she wasn't even fooling herself anymore.

Comments

[doctor_sydney]

The last thing either of us needs, Parker, is for you to learn how to panic. +wry tone+ You're the epitome of control and strength, much as your mother was. And that may be all that has kept either of us alive in the web that the hunt for Jarod has become.

[notmonica]

*faint snort* I do need to practice lying, if you thought you had to shore up my ego.

[doctor_sydney]

The gift of prevarication seems to run strong enough when you most need it. +smile+

[notmonica]

I get so many chances to practice, Syd.

[doctor_sydney]

At least one of us has the ability. +faintly teasing tone+

[notmonica]

*Which* one? You've told more than your share of lies.

Sometimes I can't tell which part of my life is a lie anymore. Or who's telling them.

[doctor_sydney]

I merely do not tell that which might distress a patient.

I have given up trying, most days.

[notmonica]

And now who's lying?

Is that the reason you left?

[doctor_sydney]

Adjusting the facts, as I have been taught, perhaps.

There was only one way I could see it all ending, if I could not believe their lies enough to live them.

[notmonica]

'Adjusting the facts.' You know, Syd, some people call that lying.

I'm. Glad you could. Don't you *ever* quote me on that.

[doctor_sydney]

They might.

I'll be waiting when you need me.

[notmonica]

I don't need anybody. All your training taught you to be that obvious?

[doctor_sydney]

You, my dear Parker, sometimes need to hear plain truth.

[notmonica]

Then tell your pet freak to stop playing games.

[doctor_sydney]

I have not Pet Freaks. If you mean Jarod, ask him.

[notmonica]

Oh, like he'd listen.

[doctor_sydney]

+sighs+

[rodentus_callidus]

*smiles a little, twitchily* Even if we live in worlds where panic cannot be afforded ... sometimes it is hard to push it back, nein?

[notmonica]

I don't panic. That implies I don't know what I'm doing. I always know what I'm doing.

[rodentus_callidus]

Tchu! Lucky! If it was only what I was doing that I had to worry about, I would be almost-panicking a lot less!

[notmonica]

-- You're pretty funny, for a rat. Even funnier is that you aren't wrong. It's never just yourself that you have to take into account, is it?

[rodentus_callidus]

*laughs, rubbing at his eye* If only. Tchu! If only. Surrounded by idiots with weapons. Always. Very bad idea not to take them into account, nein? *shakes head* World is full of stupid people. Have to remember that.

[notmonica]

Idiots with weapons is why I always have my own weapon.

You could possibly forget the world is filled with stupid people? You're the lucky one.

[rodentus_callidus]

*subdued* Not ... forget. Hope, maybe. For little whiles, until someone reminds me again.

[notmonica]

I don't say this often, so count yourself lucky: I'm sorry.

[rodentus_callidus]

*smiles a little, ducking his head* I will. For that, I am lucky indeed. *smiles* Not often someone gives the hope, instead of ruining it. Thank you.

[notmonica]

You're welcome. Don't get used to it. I don't do being nice.

[rodentus_callidus]

*chuckles* Then I shall take the gift for the rare treasure it is, proud lady. *smiles* Do not worry. I am adept at being happy with what I can get.

[notmonica]

I don't worry, either.

[rodentus_callidus]

*grins* Be careful, or my envy might eclipse my appreciation.

[notmonica]

*arrogant headtoss* And?

I don't let myself worry. I'd never stop.

[rodentus_callidus]

*nods* Good point. Little to fear from a blind rat's envy, tchu. From anyone's, a proud lady like you.

Don't know how to stop. Panic, that I can control. Worry ... too much effort.

[notmonica]

Now you're getting too deep into flattery. That I'm used to.

[rodentus_callidus]

*tilts head, curious* Is it still flattery if it's true? Forgive me. I thought flattery was things like 'the stars cannot outshine your eyes', not 'you could crush me with one hand'. *little shrug* For me, that last tends to be just fact, tchu.

[notmonica]

I could crush you with a boot. That is true -- you're small enough. You're also small enough to sneak places someone wouldn't expect it, and I know you know that.

[rodentus_callidus]

*real grin* This is true, yes. That you know it, makes what I said before less flattery than ever. *shakes head with a little smile* I do try not to be one of those stupid people who fill the world, ja?

[notmonica]

Ja. I deal with too many stupid people to mistake you for one.

[rodentus_callidus]

*preens happily* Oh, danke schon. Thank you indeed, proud lady!